Yoga is here to support you — not to make you fake inner peace.
Here are 7 yogic methods to vent, channel your anger, and satisfy your warrior bloodlust… without undermining your feelings or landing you in prison.
Om shanti, motherf*ckers. Let's face it: it's hard to find inner peace in the face of [insert personal struggles/pet peeves/epic life battles here].
Injustice. Global warming. Karen from payroll. Lots of things make us angry, and instead of trying to ignore our feelings, we can take them to the mat — like my fellow angry yoga teacher in this helpful video.
The beauty of yoga is that there is room for all of us, and all of our feelings, in the practice.
That includes our anger and our dark side.
Kali (the Dark Mother and Hindu goddess of destruction) understands. She is the original yogic avenger, a destroyer; the celestial pioneer of curly-hair-don’t-care, feel-like-dancing-on-top-of-lover’s prostrate-body-with-a-weapon-in-all-ten-hands ferocity.
Yoga doesn’t have to be calm — it can also be Kali. Prana for when you're pissed!
Here are 7 yogic methods to vent, channel your anger, and satisfy your warrior bloodlust… without undermining your feelings or landing you in prison.
1. Plank Pose
Plant your palms beneath your shoulders and rise to the beginning of a push-up, core activated, spine lengthened like a rod of justice.
Challenge yourself to hold this pose even longer than you had to hold your tongue in today's meeting. Know that, like the Navy Seals who also torture themselves in this pose, your body and your emotions are really freaking strong.
And you’re saving lives, right now, by doing this instead of ramming your chair through your boss’ window.
2. Dancing Goddess Pose
Guess which curly-haired, time-ending, blood-drinking goddess is the inspiration for this pose?
Yes! Kali!
Like the angriest goddess of them all, strap on your girdle made from the body parts of your enemies, and stand with your legs wide and bent at the knees to about a 90-degree angle. Move your hips and arms freely, letting your body talk like Kali dancing over the smoldering ruins of the universe.
Visualize a world where Bernie Sanders is president and you no longer have to share your studio apartment with Trey and Diane, who never stop making out.
Inhale, then release a primal battle cry to signal the opening of the first seal of the apocalypse. Gently unbend your knees and bring your feet together beneath you. Tadasana.
3. Fire Kria
Sit or stand on a solid foundation, like the rock or the hard place you can't even with right now.
Interlace your hands, letting your index fingers point straight ahead of you like Barbarella’s blaster about to blow some evil sexist aliens to smithereens.
Ahh! The sexist aliens are over your head now! Raise your arms/index fingers/galactic equality blasters and blast those hostile space aliens with sat nam kriya, or gently twist from side to side as you breathe. If you turn into a tornado and demolish everything in your path like the Tasmanian Devil, don't be sorry. “Sat” happens.
4. Warrior 3
Screw peaceful warrior.
Today you’re a ballistic missile with license to kill, and this pose will help you express that.
Arms extended or by your side, standing on one leg, launch yourself like a rocket and feel all the haters crash and burn behind you in your glorious jetstream of rage, you nuclear warrior, you. Bonus: if you fall over, it’s okay to chant your favorite curse word.
5. Supported Boat Pose
Sit on that gorgeous *ss of yours and straighten your legs into the air while letting your spine radiate up and away like a laser beam. There are variations, depending on how much you want to feel the burn: You can wrap your arms around your thighs, let them fly free, or bend your knees.
Your core should be on fire about now, burning with all the rage of a thousand fiery suns.
You’re a furnace. You’re an island. #KaliFace #AngryHairDontCare
6. Cactus Arms
Want everyone to leave you the f*&$ alone so you can wander in the desert of your broken heart? Cactus pose.
Hold your arms out to the side with your elbows bent at 90-degrees like the devil’s big red pitchfork, your palms energized and fingers spread.
Now, grow 1-5 inch needles out of your skin, with or without venomous tips.
Your new cactus needles will warn everyone, including Billy from accounting, that you mean business. No one will mess with you or your invoices now — you’re a cactus.
7. Angel of Death Pose
With your third eye, create a direct portal to God and become the Angel of Death.
Go forth and execute justice in the world. (I may have made up this pose.)
Finally, we’ll meet in a nice long child's pose/good cry/existential crisis.
Yoga is here to support you — not to make you fake inner peace.
The beauty of yoga is that we can come to it just as we are and be honest. Anger is an opportunity to get real with ourselves and deal like the warrior demigods we are. We don’t have to be model citizens and blissed-out phogies (get it? phony yogis?).
It’s OK to go a little Kali once in a while.
